When Feelings Get Too Big

November 29, 2015November 29, 2015Leave a comment

The body and the brain are so interconnected. When children or adults get overwhelmed by feelings, be it anxiety, fear, frustration, anger etc. this is registered not only in the brain but also in the body. Their heart rate will increase, their hands may get sweaty, their fists or jaws may clench and their breathing will become shallow. They can use the body to calm the brain, self-regulation can be achieved and they can feel a sense of control once again. Here are strategies for achieving this.

The 4 B’s

Put the Brakes On: It is important to learn ways to put the brakes on to stop these feelings from getting bigger. Putting the brakes on helps release muscle tension and decreases the excess energy produced by the feelings. Here’s how to put the brakes on. Have your child sit and press the palms of his/her hands together for 5-10 seconds. This should be repeated several times. What it does is engage the muscles of the outer arms and the shoulders which are muscles involved in containment.
Breathing: Breathing helps regain a sense of body awareness and helps restore a sense of calm. It also helps to ground the body. Teach you child to breathe into the belly/abdomen. Have your child put one hand on his/her abdomen and one hand on his/her chest. Instruct your child that s/he will want to feel the belly rise and not the chest. Have your child imagine that there is a balloon in his/her belly and that with each inhale, the balloon fills and the abdomen expands. Then exhale through the mouth as if s/he was blowing into a straw. Once your child has learned abdominal breathing, have him/her calm down with “Take 5 Breathing”. 1. Have your child stretch out his/her hand like a star. 2. Child uses his/her pointer finger to trace up and down around the fingers. 3.The pointer finger slides up each finger slowly and down the other side. 4. The child breathes in through the nose and out through the mouth. 5. Put it all together – breath in sliding up and breathing out sliding down. Keep going until your child has finished tracing his/her hand. (See image here.)
Activate the Brain: Have you child place his/her hands on the top of his/her hands and apply a light pressure. This calms the body and activates the brain.
Use the Body: Have your child cross his/her arms in front of his/her body and apply pressure as if to hug him/herself. This increases body awareness and sense of security, calm and focus. You can include a soft toy for the hug.

Once your child has learned these activities, s/he can use them anytime s/he needs to feel calm.

Calm…

Kids and Screen Time

November 11, 2015November 11, 2015Leave a comment

I just read an interesting article written by Jordan Shapiro, PhD in Depth Psychology. The article was about how the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) have just changed their guidelines on screen time. They used to recommend that children under the age of 2 have no screen time and that screen time for older children be limited to just 2 hours a day. Now the guidelines that they are suggesting are much less rigid.

The AAP suggests that we not think of it as “screen time” anymore but rather as “time”. Screens are everywhere and are a reality of the times in which we live. We have to look at how we integrate these screen into our lives and the lives of our families and children.

Shapiro quotes from the book Speed Limits: Where Time Went And Why We Have So Little Left, written by Mark C. Taylor, “Like today’s parents concerned about the psychological and physical effects of their kids playing video games, nineteenth-century physicians worried about the effect of people sitting in railway cars for hours watching the world rush by in a stream of images that seemed to be detached from real people and actual things.” He further quotes Taylor with regards to people’s initial responses to the steam-engine: “some physicians went so far as to maintain that the experience of speed caused ‘neurasthenia, neuralgia, nervous dyspepsia, early tooth decay, and even premature baldness.’”

What I take from these quotes is that change, newness, in this case the rapidly changing technology, is scary. It’s scary because we don’t know what the future holds in relation to these changes. While we can’t predict the outcome of the effect of technology on the lives of our children, no more that they could predict the effect of riding on a fast train, years ago. Therefore, the AAP suggests the following guidelines for integrating technology in a healthy way:

Think of media as just another environment. Some environments are real and some are virtual and some environments have positive effects and others don’t.
Parenting has not changed. The same parenting rules apply to your children’s real and virtual environments. Play with them. Set limits; kids need and expect them. Teach kindness. Be involved. Know their friends and where they are going with them.
Be a role model. Limit your use of media and show them what is appropriate to do and share online. Parenting does require time away from screens.
We learn from each other. Neuroscience research shows that very young children learn best via two-way communication. “Talk time” between caregiver and child remains critical for language development. Passive video programs do not lead to language learning in infants and young toddlers. The more media engender live interactions, the more educational value they may hold (e.g., a toddler chatting by video with a parent who is traveling). Optimal educational media opportunities begin after age 2, when media may play a role in bridging the learning achievement gap.
Content matters. The quality of content is more important than the platform or time spent with media. Prioritize how your child spends his time rather than just setting a timer.
Be an informed consumer. Many apps are labeled as educational but an interactive product requires more than “pushing and swiping” to teach. Look to organizations like Common Sense Media (www.commonsensemedia.org) that review age-appropriate apps, games and programs.
Engage with your child. Play a video game with your child. Give your child your perspective on the game of media that is being used so that they can learn to be discriminating. For infants and toddlers, co-viewing is essential.
Playtime is important. Unstructured playtime stimulates creativity and is a MUST. Prioritize daily unplugged playtime.
Set limits. Technology use, like all other activities, should have reasonable limits. Look at whether your child’s technology use helps or hinders participation in other activities?
It’s OK for your teen to be online. Online relationships are integral to adolescent development. Social media can support identity formation. Teach your teen appropriate behaviors that apply in both the real and online worlds. Ask teens to demonstrate what they are doing online to help you understand both content and context. In other words, stay connected and involved.
Create tech-free zones. Preserve family mealtime. Recharge devices overnight outside your child’s bedroom. These actions encourage family time, healthier eating habits and healthier sleep.
Children will make mistakes. These can be teachable moments if handled with empathy. Certain behaviours, however, such as sexting or posting self-harm images, signal a need to assess youths for other risk-taking behaviours.

Disconnecting to connect.

Natural and Logical Consequences

September 13, 2015September 13, 2015Leave a comment

Natural and logical consequences are key to raising responsible, respectful, independent children. Unlike punishment, consequences will stop a behaviour permanently. Punishment is effective in stopping a behaviour, but only temporarily, and punishment leads to a child feeling resentful, rebellious and wanting to get revenge. Then the whole reason for the punishment is lost and the focus of the child shifts to ways of getting back, rather than to what is trying to be taught by you giving a punishment in the first place.

What are consequences? Natural consequences are consequences that occur naturally without any intervention and are life’s greatest teacher. The natural consequence of not wearing a coat in cold weather is being cold. For not eating breakfast, it is being hungry until snack time. Of course, some natural consequences, like getting hit by a car for running out into the road is not one that you want to child to experience. As long as the natural consequence does not put the child or anyone else in any danger, then it is acceptable. The child’s safety is paramount!

Logical consequences are those that are imposed and are created by you. However, for a consequence to truly be a consequence it must be REASONABLE, RELATED and RESPECTFUL. If one of these three R’s is missing then the consequence is actually a punishment, so it is important that your consequence not be a disguised punishment. Going to bed for not eating dinner is a punishment as it is not related, reasonable nor respectful. Losing one’s computer privileges for not doing chores is not related. However, losing one’s computer privileges for a day for abuse the computer time limit is related, reasonable and respectful and is a logical consequence. Below are a few logical consequences to some everyday situations. Consequences are meant to teach and you should always leave space for the child to try again. Therefore, the consequence for a first “infraction” is only one day (or a short period of time) and the time increases if the behaviour is repeated.

BEHAVIOUR LOGICAL CONSEQUENCE

Not putting gas in the car after using it Lose the privilege of using the car

Not turning off the computer when time is up Lose computer privileges for the next day

Not cleaning up after playing Lose those toys for a day

Not putting bike away after riding it Can’t use bike the next day

Child spills Child cleans up spill

Remember, and sometimes the hardest thing to do, is to remain calm and use a friendly tone when imposing a consequence on your child. This keeps interactions respectful. The last thing to remember is that consequences do not work with children under three as they have not yet reached the age of reason before three.

Reasonable

Respectful

Mutual Respect

September 4, 2015September 4, 2015Leave a comment

What is respect?

Being respected means being valued as a worthwhile human being. It is being treated with dignity regardless of human differences such as age, gender, race and even knowledge and skill.

There are two parts to mutual respect:

Mutuality is a two-way street (I respect you and you respect me.). For that to happened we must each also respect ourselves.
Equality is the basis for mutual respect. Equality here does not mean sameness but in the fact that we are human beings, belonging to the human family. We all need to be treated with dignity and respect. It means we have value or personal worth simply because we are human beings.

How mutual respect works in an adult/child relationship:

Many of us were raised with the idea that children must respect adults, while children were often treated with disrespect. We were taught to obey and this was enforced with reward and punishment. Children were controlled by the adults in their lives. Under this system, children learned to have others think for them, to avoid mistakes and to be submissive to an external authority.

Mutual respect between adults and children requires us to shift out beliefs and techniques of parenting. While the roles of parent and child are different, the individuals involved are of equal value as human beings. When parents are providing for, nurturing and teaching children in a non-punitive way, children come to believe that they are worthwhile, that they have abilities and that others believe in them and trust them. Parents can most effectively help children to learn to become independent, contributing individuals with strong internal motivation by doing the following:

Encouraging and valuing children’s contributions, ideas and efforts.
- Saying “Thank you for helping/sharing. I appreciate it.”
Accepting and acknowledging children’s feelings as valid, legitimate and real.
- Saying “You’re really sad that you can’t play longer at your friend’s house.”

Accepting mistakes as opportunities to learn.
- Saying “What did you learn from this?” – Also see last point.
Finding opportunities for children to makes choices and decisions.
- Give opportunities to make age appropriate choices early.
Giving assistance in, and opportunity for, critical thinking and problem solving.
- Working trough problems with your child initially to teach the skills and then letting your child do it on his/her own once s/he has the skills
Sharing affection and fun with children.
- Lots of hugs and playing with your children.
Remember that example is the most powerful teacher.
- No comment needed here!

Mutual respect begins early!

Adapted from an article by E. Quiring and B. Johnson.

Surviving Your Child’s “Terrific Twos”

August 5, 2015August 5, 20152 Comments

Yes, you read correctly, this is the terrific twos, not the terrible twos. This is a terrific time as your two year-old if gaining independence, is learning how to be a person separate from you. Your two year-old is testing their wings and seeing what they can do ALL ON THEIR OWN! They are gaining their own voice! Isn’t this terrific!! You are watching your two year-old’s personality take shape right before your eyes; your little butterfly is emerging!

As terrific as this stage is, it is not an easy stage, so here are some survival tips.

OFFER CHOICES. Your two year-old is wanting to feel the power and control that they are gaining over their world. Give them this power in appropriate places by letting them make choices, “Do you want to have your story before bath time or after bath time?” “Do you want to wear your red dress or your blue dress?” Do not give choices like “Do you want to watch TV or have a nap?” A good rule of thumb is to give a choice when you can live with whatever the answer is.
GIVE THEM RESPONSIBILITIES. Two year-olds love to be helpers. They love to get jobs to do. It makes them feel powerful and also shows them that their contribution in the family is valuable. Give them the job of putting the napkins out at dinner time at each place setting. This is also getting them to do some pre-math skills – one to one correspondence.
ENCOURAGE. Encourage all positive behaviour that your child displays. Encouragement is specific and sincere. “Thank you for helping me set the table. That was a big help!” “Good job!” on it’s own is not encouragement as it is not specific. Being specific is an important part of encouragement. Beware: Do not encourage behaviour that you do not want repeated – “Wow! That was a really loud yell.” – will only lead to way more of those yells!
CORRECT, CORRECT, CORRECT. You are constantly having to correct your two year-old’s behaviour. They are not able to understand consequences yet as they have not reached the age of reason. This means “Sand is not for throwing, you may put sand in the dump truck.” If your child continues to throw sand, you will have to take your child out of the sandbox for a bit and then try again. If it repeats, it is time to go home. They are constantly testing limits and you are constantly correcting and setting limits.
CONNECTION BEFORE CORRECTION. It is important to connect with your child before correcting a behaviour. Connecting as in the above example or throwing sand may be as simple as putting your hand on your child’s shoulder while making the statement or if a child is biting you may say, “I love you but I don’t like the biting.”
connection
SLEEP. Make sure that your two year-old gets enough sleep, including naps. Most two year-olds still need naps at this age. Keep sleep routines regular.
FOOD. Make sure that your two year-old is getting enough to eat. This means snacks during the day. Some two year-olds are grazers so make sure that there are always healthy snacks out for your child to eat. Low blood sugar will lead to moodiness and irritability.
IGNORE. Ignore negative behaviours after you have taught the correct behaviour and encourage positive ones. If your child continually eats with their hands when you know they know how to eat with utensils, ignore the behaviour as it may be a way of getting negative attention. Wait until they eat with utensils to encourage this with an encouraging statement or use encouragement on another person at the table who is using utensils. “Way to go Daddy! You are using your fork to eat!” Watch how quickly your two year-old picks up their utensils!
CONNECT. Connect with other parents and build a network. Join a group if you aren’t already part of one. Get to know parents with two year-olds so that you can arrange play dates as well as see that other parents are having the same struggles as you are.
STAY COOL. This is easier said than done but do try to stay calm and be patient. Do lots of counting to 10 and breathing! These little people are learning so much and depend on you to teach them. This is draining so take care of yourself so that you can be the best parent to your little one. Make sure you get a chance to recharge your batteries.
ATTEND PARENTING CLASSES. Taking a parenting class is a great way to meet other parents and share struggles as you hone your parenting skills. Parenting classes are invaluable.
Help! My Kid Didn’t Come With an Owner’s Manual.

It is amazing how quickly these years pass and remember that this too shall pass. Keep reminding yourself that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep smiling!

Play, More Than Just Fun

June 17, 2015June 17, 2015Leave a comment

Parents often ask me what is the most effective thing that they can do for their children, the thing that will benefit them the most. As a play therapist, family counsellor and parent, my answer is unequivocally, PLAY! Play is a child’s language and toys are his/her words. “Play stimulates creative thinking and exploration, regulates our emotions, and boosts our ego” (Landreth, 2002). Through play, children practice skills that they will need throughout their lives. They explore different roles in play thereby learning about those roles. Have you ever listened to your child’s play and heard the exact words that you said to him/her come out of his/her mouth? Your child is integrating what you have taught him/her. Apart from being fun, play provides relaxation and an outlet for reducing tension. Play encourages creativity, abstract thinking and problem solving. Through play, children learn how to master new concepts and play increases a child’s self-confidence. Socially, play is very important as it helps develop cooperation, sharing, turn-taking and conflict resolution. Play aids in physical development as well as in development of attention and language.

Free unstructured play is essential for children and their development. Playing alone or with a friend or sibling provides many opportunities to learn and each of these types of play provide opportunities to develop different skills. As a parent, playing with your child is great way to strengthen the relationship with your child, especially if you let your child take the lead in the play and you follow your child’s lead. They love it if they can tell you what to do and this is a perfectly appropriate place for them to do it: in their own world. Enter and be humbled by what their play can teach you!

Repairing the Relationship

June 5, 2015June 5, 2015Leave a comment

I went to a 2-day conference this past weekend and saw one of the founding “fathers’ of play therapy, Dr. Garry Landreth. He has been working with children as a play therapist for 50 years! Among many of his rich and interesting stories about the field of play therapy, were the pearls of wisdom that Dr. Landreth gave us. One that I found to be very powerful, especially for us parents is “It’s not what you do that is important but what you do after what you have done.” So, as parents, we goof! For example: instead of patiently answering our child’s question, one that s/he has asked for the 100th time, we grow impatient and respond inappropriately and out of frustration. Our child walks away hurt or gets angry back. We have bruised the relationship with our child. This leaves us feeling bad/guilty/sad/ _______(Fill in the blank.).

We give lots of importance to what we have just done. We berate ourselves because we have not lived up to our standard of being the perfect parent. Therefore, if we follow the words of Dr. Landreth, we will want to shift the focus of what we have just done over to repairing what we have done, thus repairing the relationship with our child. How do we do this? It’s not hard but the hardest part for many is admitting that we made a mistake, that we were less than perfect. It is important to model being less than perfect, model making mistakes and how we recover from these mistakes. Mistakes are an important part of learning. If we weren’t meant to make mistakes, erasers would not have been invented!

The repair is really quite simple the “what you do after what you have done” part of the equation.

1. Allow for a cooling off period. Let yourself cool off and gain composure. Your child may need to have a cooling off period too. This can be from 30 minutes to 2-3 hours. See my post on the cycle of anger.

2. Tell your child what you did not do well. Admit that your performance was less that perfect. It’s okay for your child to see this part of you, to see that people are not, nor need to be, perfect.

3. Say, “I wish I had ________ instead of __________ (What you did). This is a very important part as it also teaches your child what s/he can do as an alternate behaviour. So in the example above, losing patience, you might say, “I really did not handle that well when you asked me that question over and over. I got frustrated and yelled, I’m sorry. I wish I had said instead ‘I’m frustrated by you asking me the same question over and over, so please don’t ask me again.’ ”

4. There are no buts in this equation. Do not say, “I really did not handle that well when you asked me that question over and over BUT it frustrated me.” But implies that you had good reason to blow up, that you are not responsible for your actions. This is not what you want to model.

Now you have just repaired the relationship and modelled it for your child. Try it next time you “goof” and I can assure you that you will have many opportunities to practice these 4 easy steps of making repairs!!

Share your successes or your challenges.

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Family Meetings

April 24, 2015Leave a comment

This is a great read written by my favourite parenting expert, Dr. Jane Nelsen. It is a simple “how to” for implementing family meetings.

From http://www.positivediscipline.com/newsletters/family-meetings.html

Family Meetings

by Dr. Jane Nelsen

It is difficult for me to choose a favorite Positive Discipline parenting tool, but family meetings are at the top. Children learn so much during family meetings, such as listening, respecting differences, verbalizing appreciation, problem-solving, and experiencing that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn and focusing on solutions. I have a much longer list, but you get the idea. Family meetings also create a family tradition and will create many memories.

One of my favorite stories is about a time my teenagers started complaining about family meetings—that they were stupid and lame. I empathized, told them we could shorten them, but to humor me because they were so important to me.

During this period, 17-year-old Mary spent the night with a friend. She came home the next day and declared, “That family is so screwed up. They should have family meetings.”

Why are family meetings so difficult?

Since family meetings are so important, why do so many families avoid taking the time to implement them? And, when they do, why do they have so many challenges?

One parent wrote about her frustrations with trying to implement family meetings sharing that her eight-hear-old son constantly displayed his new talent for burping during the meetings, and her five-year-old “freaks out” when anyone brainstorms a suggestion she doesn’t like.

Part of the problems could be that parents don’t take enough “time for training.” They may expect their children to have all the necessary skills for family meetings. When you think about it, this makes as much sense as expecting children to have the vocabulary of a college student the first year they start speaking.

Children under the age of four may not be developmentally ready to learn the skills for family meetings. If they are interruptive during family meetings (instead of being willing to play quietly), wait until they are asleep to have family meeting with older children. These first few meetings should take about 5 minutes.

A Family Meeting Training Plan

Week One: The Agenda

Introduce the five components of family meetings. Let your family know you will be spending as many weeks as it takes to learn each component.

The Agenda
Compliments
Brainstorming for Solutions
A family fun activity such as a game, cooking, or popcorn and a movie.
Calendar for family fun event

The first week you can spend more time on the Agenda. Let your kids know this is where they can write problems. (Younger children can ask parents to write on the agenda for them.) Ask if anyone can think of any problems they would like help with. If they can’t think of anything you could say, “What about ____________ (whatever problem you have noticed during the day between or with the kids). You could then say, “I would like to add burping.” Let them know that the agenda will be put on the fridge and anyone can add anything they want during the week. You won’t try to solve any of the problems until after the kids learn about brainstorming. Let your kids know that next week, they’ll learn about compliments so they might want to be thinking of what they appreciate about everyone in the family so they’ll be ready.

Then put the agenda on the fridge and end the meeting.

During the week, when you notice the kids having a problem you might say, “That sounds like a good one to add to the agenda.” Don’t insist. Just notice if they do or not. If you see kids fighting you might say, “Would one of you like to put this on the agenda?” They may or they may not. You are just making a suggestion that increases awareness of the agenda. When you have a problem, such as kids not picking up their toys, you could say, “This is a problem. Would you like to put it on the agenda, or should I?” If they don’t, you can.

Week Two: Compliments

Bring the agenda to the family meeting and say something such as, “We have quite a few things on our agenda (even if you are the one who has put most of them on there). It will be interesting to see how we solve these problems after we learn about brainstorming. Tonight we are going to do compliments. Who knows what a compliment is?

If your kids don’t come up with any of the following you can teach the following:

Thank you for something someone has done for you.
“Atta boy,” or “atta girl” (acknowledgment of something someone has accomplished.)
Appreciation for something you like about a family member.

During compliments you can go around the circle and allow everyone to give a thank you for _____, an atta boy/girl for ________, or an appreciation for ____. If they struggle with this, say, “We’ll practice again next week.” If everyone does well, say, “Next week we’ll learn about brainstorming.”

During the week, when you see something “good,” you can comment, “That would make a good compliment during our next family meeting.” Don’t write it down or tell them to remember. You are just creating awareness. Continue to make suggestions when you see something that could go on the agenda–and/or add things yourself.

Week Three: Brainstorming

Move on to brainstorming only when your kids are doing well (not perfect) putting things on the agenda and giving and receiving compliments.

Bring the agenda. Comment on how much is on it and that you can’t wait to talk about brainstorming. Then do compliments. If they are proficient, go on to teach about brainstorming.

Brainstorming is when we think of as many ideas as we can to solve a problem. They can be practical or wild and crazy. After we have had fun brainstorming (with no discussion), we will choose one solution that we all agree on and try it for a week.

Choose a problem from the agenda and practice brainstorming. Be sure to teach about the wild and crazy part by suggesting some ridiculous suggestions at first such as, “No talking for a full day. Everyone will just burp.”

If someone starts complaining about an idea, remind the kids, “During brainstorming any idea is okay. When we are finished brainstorming we can discuss some of the ideas before choosing one that works for everyone.”

You might want to introduce a timer and set it for two minutes and challenge the family to see how many ideas they can think of it two minutes. This may help them stick to brainstorming for ideas instead of getting off-track into discussions.

After brainstorming say, “Now let’s look at our list and cross out anything that isn’t practical, respectful, or helpful.” From what is left, choose one that everyone can agree to. If everyone can’t agree say, “Okay. We are doing great at learning this process. Let’s table this item and try again next week to see if we can find something we can all agree on.”

Family Fun Activity and Calendar for Family Fun Events

These two components can be added anytime after your family is doing well with the agenda and compliments. You may want to add one or both the same week that you add brainstorming. Or you may want to use the family fun activity as a brainstorming lesson—brainstorm for a list of things kids would like to do at the end of the family meeting.

The calendar for family fun events means taking the time to make sure things you would like to do as a family get put on the calendar.

As you read all of this I hope you understand that the process is even more important than an immediate result. You are teaching skills that can last a lifetime. You are being patient. You are being respectful and encouraging. Whenever something doesn’t do well, you may want to stop and say, We’ll try again next time.”

Sibling Rivalry

April 23, 2015April 23, 2015Leave a comment

The most important thing to remember about sibling rivalry is this; the reason that siblings fight is always for attention. Sibling rivalry starts way before the second child is born. Even in utero, the first child is feeling the attention being diverted from him/her and this child is now having to share attention with this unborn child. The competition has begun and the rivalry is soon to follow.

Here is how a fight will typically go. Child A and child B will fight. One of them will call “Mom/Dad!!” and the parent will arrive to “settle” this dispute. The parent will listen to both sides and then decide who was at fault in this argument leaving one child feeling smug and thinking “I won! Mom/Dad likes me best.” and the other feeling angry and thinking “Mom/Dad always take his/her side. They like him/her best. I’ll get even.” If this sounds like the parent, in all his/her good intention, has just sowed the seeds for a new battle to emerge, you’re right.

The experts agree that the best way to handle sibling rivalry is to let the kids work it out for themselves – and they will! Sibling rivalry is healthy and kids learn and practice many great skills when they fight. They learn to feel comfortable when faced with conflict, they learn conflict resolution and problem solving skills, they learn about compromising and how to negotiate.

Here are some pointers to follow when sibling rivalry begins.

1. Treat all fighters equally. It doesn’t matter who started a fight as it takes 2 to fight. One may start the fight but it takes a second person to continue the fight.

2. Do not take sides. This just causes resentment and looks like favortism in the eyes of the children.

3. Stay out of their fights. Kids need to learn how to resolve their fights.

According to the book “Siblings Without Rivalry” written by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, there is a “script” to follow.

1. Name what you see/hear. “It looks like you two are mad at each other.

2. Reflect each child’s point of view. “I see that you, Mary, are wanting to play with the blocks that your sister, Sally, is playing with. Sally, you feel that you should play with the blocks because you have already started building with them.”

3. Summarize the problem with respect. “That’s a tough one, 2 children who want the same blocks.”

4. Express confidence in them to work it out. “I am confident that you can work out a solution that is fair to both of you, one where both of you will be happy.

5. Leave the room. You will be amazed at how quickly the children will be able to work out their disputes.

Things to note:

– When kids are young, it will be necessary that you sit down with them and teach them problem solving skills; teach them how to resolve conflicts. Sit them down, one on each side of you and talk through the problem and solutions without you, the parent, having any input on what they come to as a solution.

– If the children are hurting each other, treat each the same and separate them, each to a place where they can cool off before coming together again.

– If the dispute is not getting worked out, you can ask the children if they need help. Let them know that you are willing to help but if you step in, there will be one happy child and one unhappy child. Ask again if they would like help. Usually the answer is that they will work it out on their own.

Understanding Adolescents

April 4, 2015April 23, 20151 Comment

Adolescence is a time of huge change. Teens are needing to individuate, to progress, to maintain connection, to find balance, to learn to cope with tumult, sadness, rejection and disappointments (Grogan, 2015). They are also trying to make sometimes daunting discussions about their future: their academic and career choices. They are doing all this while their brains are in a chaotic period of development (NIHM, 2011). Their is heightened fear and anxiety in teens and this is due to the amygdala (the emotional centre of the brain) developing at a much faster rate that the prefrontal cortex (the reason and logic part of the brain) (Freidman, 2014). In order to be able to make a good, sound decisions, the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex need to be working together, something that does not always happen in adolescence. Yet, you say, “But my son/daughter is capable of making good decisions.” Yes, they are capable and do make good decisions at times, but this is not consistent. Somedays the amygdala and the cortex are in sync and many days they are not. This inconsistence is due to the fact that the bran is still developing and will continue to do so until mid to late twenties – 25 for women, 28 for men.

Therefore, when parents see this inconsistent and sometimes erratic behaviour, they become worried and begin to think the worst. Their impulse is to reign the teen in and become more intrusive. This is a destructive cycle and will only push the teen further away. What is a parent to do?

This is not an easy time for parents and this is a real juggling act; they can’t withdraw nor can they become intrusive. To make matters, ever more confusing for parents, is that somedays these teens are independent and autonomous, not needing much from their parents and other days they are acting like young children again and needing them again. So parents never know which role they are to play. The best way to imagine this period with your teens is think of your teen being on an elastic band, somedays that elastic is pulled very tightly, almost to the point of breaking and other days it is slack. This is the exact same process that 2 year-old sgoes through. They are individuating, learning who they are separate from their parents, testing their world and then returning to the safe haven of the parents for reassurance that the parent is still there. Parents need to be able to continue being that safe haven.

As humans, one of our basic needs to to connect and this never changes. We need to continue to work on our relationship with our teens, a relationship that we started building right from birth. This is a relationship built on mutual respect, understanding, trust, open communication and empathy. Try to remember, no matter how hard your teen pushes away, s/he still needs to know that you will always be there.

Simmons Counselling

Encouraging Growth: Children, Adolescents, Individuals & Families