Kids and Screen Time

November 11, 2015November 11, 2015Leave a comment

I just read an interesting article written by Jordan Shapiro, PhD in Depth Psychology. The article was about how the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) have just changed their guidelines on screen time. They used to recommend that children under the age of 2 have no screen time and that screen time for older children be limited to just 2 hours a day. Now the guidelines that they are suggesting are much less rigid.

The AAP suggests that we not think of it as “screen time” anymore but rather as “time”. Screens are everywhere and are a reality of the times in which we live. We have to look at how we integrate these screen into our lives and the lives of our families and children.

Shapiro quotes from the book Speed Limits: Where Time Went And Why We Have So Little Left, written by Mark C. Taylor, “Like today’s parents concerned about the psychological and physical effects of their kids playing video games, nineteenth-century physicians worried about the effect of people sitting in railway cars for hours watching the world rush by in a stream of images that seemed to be detached from real people and actual things.” He further quotes Taylor with regards to people’s initial responses to the steam-engine: “some physicians went so far as to maintain that the experience of speed caused ‘neurasthenia, neuralgia, nervous dyspepsia, early tooth decay, and even premature baldness.’”

What I take from these quotes is that change, newness, in this case the rapidly changing technology, is scary. It’s scary because we don’t know what the future holds in relation to these changes. While we can’t predict the outcome of the effect of technology on the lives of our children, no more that they could predict the effect of riding on a fast train, years ago. Therefore, the AAP suggests the following guidelines for integrating technology in a healthy way:

Think of media as just another environment. Some environments are real and some are virtual and some environments have positive effects and others don’t.
Parenting has not changed. The same parenting rules apply to your children’s real and virtual environments. Play with them. Set limits; kids need and expect them. Teach kindness. Be involved. Know their friends and where they are going with them.
Be a role model. Limit your use of media and show them what is appropriate to do and share online. Parenting does require time away from screens.
We learn from each other. Neuroscience research shows that very young children learn best via two-way communication. “Talk time” between caregiver and child remains critical for language development. Passive video programs do not lead to language learning in infants and young toddlers. The more media engender live interactions, the more educational value they may hold (e.g., a toddler chatting by video with a parent who is traveling). Optimal educational media opportunities begin after age 2, when media may play a role in bridging the learning achievement gap.
Content matters. The quality of content is more important than the platform or time spent with media. Prioritize how your child spends his time rather than just setting a timer.
Be an informed consumer. Many apps are labeled as educational but an interactive product requires more than “pushing and swiping” to teach. Look to organizations like Common Sense Media (www.commonsensemedia.org) that review age-appropriate apps, games and programs.
Engage with your child. Play a video game with your child. Give your child your perspective on the game of media that is being used so that they can learn to be discriminating. For infants and toddlers, co-viewing is essential.
Playtime is important. Unstructured playtime stimulates creativity and is a MUST. Prioritize daily unplugged playtime.
Set limits. Technology use, like all other activities, should have reasonable limits. Look at whether your child’s technology use helps or hinders participation in other activities?
It’s OK for your teen to be online. Online relationships are integral to adolescent development. Social media can support identity formation. Teach your teen appropriate behaviors that apply in both the real and online worlds. Ask teens to demonstrate what they are doing online to help you understand both content and context. In other words, stay connected and involved.
Create tech-free zones. Preserve family mealtime. Recharge devices overnight outside your child’s bedroom. These actions encourage family time, healthier eating habits and healthier sleep.
Children will make mistakes. These can be teachable moments if handled with empathy. Certain behaviours, however, such as sexting or posting self-harm images, signal a need to assess youths for other risk-taking behaviours.

Disconnecting to connect.

Family Meetings

April 24, 2015Leave a comment

This is a great read written by my favourite parenting expert, Dr. Jane Nelsen. It is a simple “how to” for implementing family meetings.

From http://www.positivediscipline.com/newsletters/family-meetings.html

Family Meetings

by Dr. Jane Nelsen

It is difficult for me to choose a favorite Positive Discipline parenting tool, but family meetings are at the top. Children learn so much during family meetings, such as listening, respecting differences, verbalizing appreciation, problem-solving, and experiencing that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn and focusing on solutions. I have a much longer list, but you get the idea. Family meetings also create a family tradition and will create many memories.

One of my favorite stories is about a time my teenagers started complaining about family meetings—that they were stupid and lame. I empathized, told them we could shorten them, but to humor me because they were so important to me.

During this period, 17-year-old Mary spent the night with a friend. She came home the next day and declared, “That family is so screwed up. They should have family meetings.”

Why are family meetings so difficult?

Since family meetings are so important, why do so many families avoid taking the time to implement them? And, when they do, why do they have so many challenges?

One parent wrote about her frustrations with trying to implement family meetings sharing that her eight-hear-old son constantly displayed his new talent for burping during the meetings, and her five-year-old “freaks out” when anyone brainstorms a suggestion she doesn’t like.

Part of the problems could be that parents don’t take enough “time for training.” They may expect their children to have all the necessary skills for family meetings. When you think about it, this makes as much sense as expecting children to have the vocabulary of a college student the first year they start speaking.

Children under the age of four may not be developmentally ready to learn the skills for family meetings. If they are interruptive during family meetings (instead of being willing to play quietly), wait until they are asleep to have family meeting with older children. These first few meetings should take about 5 minutes.

A Family Meeting Training Plan

Week One: The Agenda

Introduce the five components of family meetings. Let your family know you will be spending as many weeks as it takes to learn each component.

The Agenda
Compliments
Brainstorming for Solutions
A family fun activity such as a game, cooking, or popcorn and a movie.
Calendar for family fun event

The first week you can spend more time on the Agenda. Let your kids know this is where they can write problems. (Younger children can ask parents to write on the agenda for them.) Ask if anyone can think of any problems they would like help with. If they can’t think of anything you could say, “What about ____________ (whatever problem you have noticed during the day between or with the kids). You could then say, “I would like to add burping.” Let them know that the agenda will be put on the fridge and anyone can add anything they want during the week. You won’t try to solve any of the problems until after the kids learn about brainstorming. Let your kids know that next week, they’ll learn about compliments so they might want to be thinking of what they appreciate about everyone in the family so they’ll be ready.

Then put the agenda on the fridge and end the meeting.

During the week, when you notice the kids having a problem you might say, “That sounds like a good one to add to the agenda.” Don’t insist. Just notice if they do or not. If you see kids fighting you might say, “Would one of you like to put this on the agenda?” They may or they may not. You are just making a suggestion that increases awareness of the agenda. When you have a problem, such as kids not picking up their toys, you could say, “This is a problem. Would you like to put it on the agenda, or should I?” If they don’t, you can.

Week Two: Compliments

Bring the agenda to the family meeting and say something such as, “We have quite a few things on our agenda (even if you are the one who has put most of them on there). It will be interesting to see how we solve these problems after we learn about brainstorming. Tonight we are going to do compliments. Who knows what a compliment is?

If your kids don’t come up with any of the following you can teach the following:

Thank you for something someone has done for you.
“Atta boy,” or “atta girl” (acknowledgment of something someone has accomplished.)
Appreciation for something you like about a family member.

During compliments you can go around the circle and allow everyone to give a thank you for _____, an atta boy/girl for ________, or an appreciation for ____. If they struggle with this, say, “We’ll practice again next week.” If everyone does well, say, “Next week we’ll learn about brainstorming.”

During the week, when you see something “good,” you can comment, “That would make a good compliment during our next family meeting.” Don’t write it down or tell them to remember. You are just creating awareness. Continue to make suggestions when you see something that could go on the agenda–and/or add things yourself.

Week Three: Brainstorming

Move on to brainstorming only when your kids are doing well (not perfect) putting things on the agenda and giving and receiving compliments.

Bring the agenda. Comment on how much is on it and that you can’t wait to talk about brainstorming. Then do compliments. If they are proficient, go on to teach about brainstorming.

Brainstorming is when we think of as many ideas as we can to solve a problem. They can be practical or wild and crazy. After we have had fun brainstorming (with no discussion), we will choose one solution that we all agree on and try it for a week.

Choose a problem from the agenda and practice brainstorming. Be sure to teach about the wild and crazy part by suggesting some ridiculous suggestions at first such as, “No talking for a full day. Everyone will just burp.”

If someone starts complaining about an idea, remind the kids, “During brainstorming any idea is okay. When we are finished brainstorming we can discuss some of the ideas before choosing one that works for everyone.”

You might want to introduce a timer and set it for two minutes and challenge the family to see how many ideas they can think of it two minutes. This may help them stick to brainstorming for ideas instead of getting off-track into discussions.

After brainstorming say, “Now let’s look at our list and cross out anything that isn’t practical, respectful, or helpful.” From what is left, choose one that everyone can agree to. If everyone can’t agree say, “Okay. We are doing great at learning this process. Let’s table this item and try again next week to see if we can find something we can all agree on.”

Family Fun Activity and Calendar for Family Fun Events

These two components can be added anytime after your family is doing well with the agenda and compliments. You may want to add one or both the same week that you add brainstorming. Or you may want to use the family fun activity as a brainstorming lesson—brainstorm for a list of things kids would like to do at the end of the family meeting.

The calendar for family fun events means taking the time to make sure things you would like to do as a family get put on the calendar.

As you read all of this I hope you understand that the process is even more important than an immediate result. You are teaching skills that can last a lifetime. You are being patient. You are being respectful and encouraging. Whenever something doesn’t do well, you may want to stop and say, We’ll try again next time.”

Shopping With Children

November 29, 2014April 23, 2015Leave a comment

Isn’t it fun going grocery shopping with your children? If you’re like most other parents, you have answered an emphatic “NO!” to this question. Here are some suggestions on how to make shopping a more pleasant experience for all.

1. Be proactive and plan for success. Make sure that your children are fed, toiletted, rested or not ill before embarking on a shopping trip. Any one of these things not addressed can turn a shopping trip into a nightmare.

2. Have a ritual, something that you always do after shopping, like going for a hot chocolate. Don’t use this as a bribe, however. Instead tell your children, “When we are done shopping we will go for our hot chocolate.” The implication is there that says, “If we don’t finish, no hot chocolate.” as there are days when you will have to abandon shopping because it’s just not going to work. Then the hot chocolate gets skipped too. Yes, there may be tears and shouts of disappointments but stay calm. They will pass and then you can explain why the shopping trip had to end and how there could be no hot chocolate because you never finished shopping.

3. Go to the stores that have those mini shopping carts that the children can push around.

4. Give the children certain things that they need to find from your shopping list to keep them engaged.

5. Ask the children to bring an activity that they can do while sitting in the shopping cart.

6. Keep the trips short. It’s better for your sanity to make 3 short trips a week than 1 long trip.

7. Remember to let your child know how you appreciate that you were able to get your shopping done. Tell them specifically what they did that was helpful.

What things do you enjoy doing with your kids in the summer?

July 10, 2014April 23, 2015Leave a comment

Write and let me know how you enjoy spending summers with your kids.

When my kids were little, water parks: Stanley Park or Granville Island were always a hit.

Kits pool is always a treat. The “beach-like” shallow end is safe for little ones and the salt water pool is great!

I look forward to hearing from YOU!

How to Avoid Saying “NO!”

June 3, 2014April 23, 2015Leave a comment

When the situation is one of a power struggle or with a defiant child, no is often an invitation to confrontation. Here are 16 ways of avoiding saying no.
1. State clear expectations. “You may … as soon as you have finished …”
2. Respond with a question. “What time is snack time, before or after your nap?”
3. State a given. “This is bath time.”
4. Do not defend or explain, simply continue
to restate the rule.
5. Offer limited choices where all answers are acceptable. ” You may change your shirt now or after breakfast.”
6. Check out child’s knowledge or understanding. “What needs to happen before we can have a snack?” or ask what they heard you say. What they heard may be completely different from what you said!
8. Invite cooperation. “I need your help. Can you figure out the most helpful thing to do right now?” If the child says “I don’t know.” the parent can respond with “Would you like help remembering.
9. Negotiate an agreement. “Would you like story before or after your bath?”
– Restate the agreement. “You would like your story before bath time?
– Follow through.
10. Say what you want. “I want you to have your bath now.”
11. Just say “Yes.”
12. Seek cooperation. . Instead of issuing commands such as “Get your room clean right now,” try “I have time to help you straighten your room now. Would you like to do it with me?”
13. Establish expectations. Use family meeting to to come to agreements in advance on family issues
14. Sometimes accept “No!” This makes hearing a “No!’ more acceptable.
15. Sometimes we have to say “No!” “No, you can’t run in the street/play with the stereo.”
16. “Yes, later.”

Have you came up with some of your own ways of avoiding “No!”

Building Bonds: Playing With Your Children

February 12, 2013April 23, 2015Leave a comment

Many parents believe that when they sit down to “play” with their kids, they should have a craft or something similar to do with them. Yes, crafts are fun! It is a good way to spend time with your kids and they learn many skills from this. This activity is structured and directed by you, the parent.

There is a lot of value in unstructured play between the parent and the child. You know how you hear time and time again, try to spend one-on-one time with each child individually and you wonder how you will ever be able to find the time to do this. Well, playing is a really easy way to have this one-on-one time and strengthen bonds between you and your child. It requires no planning, no structure, no scissors, no glue, paint or any other material. All it takes is a regular time, even as little as 20 minutes per week to play with your child.

Now here’s the really easy part. Sit down on the floor with your child, surrounded by some toys and then just let your child decide what to play with. As your child is playing, give him/her your full attention and just comment on what is happening in the play. “I see that you’re taking the baby for a walk in her stroller.” but don’t make any suggestions of how the play should go. Just listen and watch and try to put yourself in your child’s world. See the play through their eyes and you will also get a glimpse of how they view the world. Your child may ask you to take on a role in a play scenario and do as s/he directs you to do. It may mean that you have to use a different voice to go along with the character that you’re playing. Abandon yourself to the play while following your child’s lead. It’s okay to ask your child how s/he would like you to act or what s/he would like you to say if you’re not sure. This says to the child, “You’re important and I want to do this right, just the way you want it.” You are after all in the child’s world now.

This type of play is invaluable for strengthening the parent/child bonds. You’ve carved out a time to be completely there for your child and your child feels valued. By witnessing your child’s play, you do get the opportunity to understand your child better and you get to just have fun on your child’s terms. It expresses to your child that s/he is important and what s/he does is important.

Have fun!!

Privileges/Responsibility

November 17, 2012April 23, 2015Leave a comment

When you have difficulty thinking of some logical consequences for you child’s misbehaviour, it is often earlier to think in terms of privileges and responsibility. Privileges and responsibility go hand in hand; if your child wants a privilege then s/he has to take the responsibility that goes with that privilege. If s/he won’t take responsibility, then s/he loses the privilege for a period of time.

Because we are teaching our kids to take responsibility, they need many instances to practice. For this reason the amount of time that they lose the privilege for initially should be short and lengthened every time the privilege is abused. The whole process may go something like this. The parents might say, “You are allowed to use the computer for 1 hour every day. It is your responsibility to use your time wisely so that you stay within the 1 hour limit. I will tell you when it is 5 minutes to end time and then I’ll tell you when your time is up. If you choose not to get off the computer, you will use your computer privilege for the next day.” Then the parents would have the child repeat this rule. If one day the child goes over time, the parent says to the child, “I see that you are choosing to lose your computer time for tomorrow.” and then the parent follows through with this the next day. If the behaviour reoccurs, then the child loses 2 days of computer etc. When the child sees that the parent will follow through in a fair, firm but kind manner, s/he will soon respect the responsibility that goes with the privilege. …And yes the child may tantrum but the parent calmly but firmly says, “I know your upset that you can’t use the computer today. You can try again tomorrow.”

Here are examples of privileges and responsibility:

Privilege	Responsibility
Having toys	Cleaning up after playing with them
Using the car	Putting gas in the tank
Riding a bike	Putting bike away after use
Going out with friends	Being home on time
Using the computer	Staying within the time limit for use
Watching TV	Respecting limits
Having a cell phone	Keeping within the terms of the plan or paying for it
Going out to a restaurant with the family	Showing appropriate behaviour

Listening to Your Kids

November 17, 2012April 23, 2015Leave a comment

Sometimes we find good, sound parenting advice in the most unlikely places. Today as I was browsing through my Facebook page I found this posted by one of my “friends”.

“Listen earnestly to anything that your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all if is has always been big stuff.”

Communication does start from the very beginning and if your kids know that you’ll listen to them, they’ll talk. Listen with no judgement or opinion, just with interest.

ANGER

October 30, 2012April 23, 2015Leave a comment

We had a very interesting discussion last night at the parenting class about anger. We were all in agreement that anger was an emotion that was just as valid to express as any other. It’s just not all that comfortable for us to express or be in the presence of as most of us were brought up being told not to be mad. We grew up believing that anger was “bad”.

Now we are teaching our children that anger is okay and needs to be expressed. Anger, as one parent pointed out, was there to tell us that something was not right and that this something needs attention. This is just the same as anxiety; it’s there so that we know how to react if we see a speeding car coming toward us as we are crossing the road. But there is a useful anger and there is a useless anger and we need to teach our children the difference and what to do in the presence of the useless anger.

The anger that is useful is the anger that pushes us forward to do something about the circumstance that is causing the anger. It fuels us, gives us energy and helps us move forward. When anger turns to rage, then it is useless. It does not allow us to get to any kind of resolution about the issue at hand. In a child, this shows up as a tantrum. When the child is enraged there is not much that can be done other than to let them weather the storm.

Generally, the child gets scared when his/her anger gets this big. The child does not like this out-of-control feeling. After the storm you can talk about what happened and about what the child was feeling. Use this as an opportunity to teach about useless anger and that when we are experiencing useless anger, we need to go take care of ourselves; walk away, cool off and then go back to the issue when the raging storm has passed. Rage can be very hurtful to others as well as ourselves. This is when we are operating on pure animal instinct – in full fight mode. We need to vent this rage in a safe place and appropriate way.

What are your thoughts? How do you deal with the useless anger at your home?

Attachment and Games

May 11, 2012April 23, 2015Leave a comment

Mother Goose sure knew what she was doing when it came to nursery rhymes. These often short ditties are loved by kids because they are rhythmic and fun! Think about when you recite nursery rhymes to your child; you are sitting right next to or facing him/her, both of you are actively engaged and focused on each other. What a great bonding moment that strengthens attachment. Children respond to rhythm because they spent nine months in their mother’s womb listening to the beat of her heart, the rhythm of her breathing and the rhythm of her body. It is very familiar to them. “Pat-a-Cake, Pat-a-Cake” is great for building attachment because it is also a clapping game which involves very active involvement between child and parent. You both need to be looking at each other and very aware of each others actions. Then there are those moments when you miss each other’s hands and this usually evokes lots of giggles – more positive interaction. “This Little Piggy Went to Market” and “Round and Round the Garden” are other games that, apart from being enjoyable for the child, help with attachment. Let’s not forget “Peek-a-Boo”. “I Spy” is a favourite with children. Change it a bit so that what you “spy” is something on each other and then you have a game where there is a great awareness of and focus the other. Yes, you’re building attachment.

“I spy with my little eye something that is (a colour) / something that starts with the letter ___.”

Here are more games.

“Air” Hockey with Smarties: Place a Smartie on the table and using bendable straws, move the smart around until one person scores a goal. The person who scores the goal is fed the Smartie by the other. Licorice Race: You and your child each put an end of the same liquorice string in your mouths and chew, chew, chew to see who can eat the most of the licorice string before it “runs out”. ”

Stacked Hands”: Place your hand flat, your child’s hand on top, yours over top of your child’s and then your child’s on top of all that. Remove your hand from the bottom and place it on top of the stack. Then it’s your child’s turn and just keep stacking the hands. For an extra challenge try this with more people.

Hide and Seek: Especially if you are making comments like “I wonder where my wonderful Billy is?” “When I find Sally, I’m going to give her a big hug!” ” I hope I find Joey soon, I love to see his big, bright smile!”

Do not Drop the Donut: Place your finger through the hole in a donut and have your child see how much of the donut s/he can eat before the donut falls.

There are many other games that have the added bonus of building attachment and I’ve listed just a few. I’m sure that you can even make up some of your own.

Do you have any games that you would like to share with the rest of this parent community? Feel free to post them!

Simmons Counselling

Encouraging Growth: Children, Adolescents, Individuals & Families

Category: Preschool