AnGRRRRRRRR!

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Anger is not something that we are comfortable with.  It is a normal feeling and it is a reaction to something that has been experienced.  Maybe your child saw something, heard something, felt something or thought about something.  Then (and here is an important piece) your child decided to react to that” something” with anger.  Being angry is a decision that we all make, nothing or no one can “make” us angry.

Another thing about anger is that the ways that anger is shown is learned.  That means that it can be unlearned and relearned.  Anger is not a “reflex” reaction, it is not uncontrollable nor does it control us.

There are two parts to anger: 1) It begins in the brain and we decide to be angry.  2) We then decide what to do with the anger (how to express it).

I think it is important to teach this to our kids early on.  We can model it everyday.  “It makes me so mad when I stub my foot!” implies that the anger is out of our control but changing it to “I get so mad when I stub my toe!” says that you have made a choice to be angry and you are owning the anger.  But let’s look at this statement closer.  Why am I MAD when I stub my toe?  Am I not hurt?  Yes, I am hurt but anger is an emotion that we often use to mask other emotions like hurt or even sadness, disappointment or frustration.

So…. we need to also teach our children the vocabulary of the whole range of emotions: happy, excited, ecstatic, delighted, mad, furious, enraged, irritated, sad, disappointed, frustrated, etc.  Go to http://www.psychpage.com/learning/library/assess/feelings.html for a complete list of feeling words.

Okay, so now our kids have the words, they need to express the emotion, in this case anger, in an acceptable way.  It is NOT acceptable to use anger as an excuse to hurt themselves or others: body, or feelings, nor is it okay to treat people, animals or property without respect.

Kids need to know that it is okay to share their anger with whomever they’re angry with in a respectful way.  If they cannot do it respectfully then they need time to cool down.  They could do something physical, like ride a bike, go for a walk or run or punch a pillow.  They could also count to 10 or 100! in order to give themselves a chance to cool down.  They could go watch a movie, listen to their iPod or write the person an angry letter that they throw away.

When channeled effectively anger provides energy to make things right that are wrong.  It also gives one courage to speak up with respect and it can give one courage to get a difficult job done.  Anger holds a lot of energy and this energy can be powerful and useful.Anger sends messages.   It may be saying, “Pay attention to me!”, “I don’t like …..!”, “Treat me fairly!” or “I am frustrated (or a number of other emotions)!”  It is up to us to try an decipher these messages for our kids so that we can give them the appropriate language for expressing these messages.  Who ever said that parenting was easy??!!!!  Now we are detectives that need to decipher messages!

*So to sum everything up, here is a list of things to do to help children deal with anger.

1. Be a positive role model.

2. Identify and acknowledge the child’s feelings. (You’re really frustrated with that Math problem!)

3. Help the child become aware of signs of trouble.

4. Teach the child to become aware of the signs of anger in his/her body (clenched fists or jaw, feeling hot, sensations in stomach, tension in the body).

5. Stop, calm down, get the facts, think it through and talk it out.

6. Set limits.

7. Use positive time outs for dangerous or destructive behaviours (positive time outs are cooling off periods).

8. Use “I” messages. “I feel _______ when ________ because ______.

9. Problem solve.

10. Role play acceptable expressions of anger.

* Adapted from Terry Lowe (1998)

See A is for Anger or Anxiety for more information on the cycle of anger/anxiety

Thanksgiving

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It is a time to give thanks and we can all give thanks for so many different things.  For me, Thanksgiving is a time when the 4 of us all sit down together and it is the first such occasion since school started.

Holidays like this one are great but why do we have to wait for a holiday to have a nice family time together?  Start your own rituals so that you may enjoy these time together more often.

– Friday nights can become pizza and movie night.

– Once a month the kids prepare a meal for the family

– One night a week can be game night.

– Once a month the kids plan the menu for a meal that the parents cook up.

– Have a “favourite food” night where each person gets to request their favourite food for the meal.

– Switch things up a bit and have a “dessert first” night once in a while, where dessert is the first course of the dinner.

These are just a few ideas and I am sure that you will be able to come up with some creative ideas that are lots of fun for your family.  Share them here and let us know how they went.

Back to School

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Today marks the end of the first week of school; the end of the summer holidays.  It’s back to routines: early mornings, packing lunches, soccer practices and games, lessons of all kinds.  Gone are the hazy, lazy days of summer – for now.

The kids are all exhausted after their first week back.  Parents are exhausted after the kid’s first week back.  Everyone is settling in and it will take at least another week for the routine to kick in and the tiredness to go away.

Kindergarteners are especially having a hard time being in all day kindergarten as are grade one students who were in half day kindergarten last year.  These kids are going to need extra time to get used to the long days of school.  You’ll find that they are crabby, uncooperative, quick to anger, oversensitive and whiny.  Remind yourself that they are tired.  This transition is VERY hard for them.  Here are a few suggestions of how to manage these times:

– When your child is whiny, crabby etc. acknowledge that they are tired. “You sound really tired after your long day at school.”

– Don’t schedule any after school activities (sports or lessons) for the first semester other than unstructured playtime.  Your child needs this downtime to rest and recharge.

– If they must have after school activities, try to plan them a little later so that you can get your child home, rested up and fed a snack.

– Fruit as after school snacks are great as they will give your child a boost of energy and keep him/her satisfied until dinner (as opposed to a high carb snack).

– Remember, this too shall pass and breathe.

Happy Back to School!

 

Self Care

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We are always so busy being parents along with all our other jobs: driver, cook, cleaner, nurse, teacher, cheerleader, etc. that we so often forget about the most important person in these roles – ourselves.  We WANT to be the best parents that we can and we truly believe that it means that we need to be self-sacrificing and only attend to the needs of our children.  Well let me tell you that you are wrong.

You know those safety presentations on the plane that we all watch with our full undivided attention?  Well, there is actually a very important parenting message in these announcements.  No, it’s not the one that says “Fasten your seat belts as we are expecting turbulence.” although this is certainly appropriate!  It’s the one that goes something like this, “In the unlikely event of a drop in cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling. Pull the mask toward you ….. If you are traveling with children or others who may require assistance, please put your mask on first before assisting others.”  Why? Because if you are struggling to breathe because you don’t have your oxygen mask on, you cannot be of any help to anyone else, especially once you pass out!

This very same principle applies to you as a parent.  If you really want to be the best possible parent than you can then you must be the best possible YOU.  If you are a stressed out, over worked, sleep deprived parent ( Which one of us isn’t?) then you can’t give quality time to your kids.  BUT if you have take some time for yourself on a regular basis: dinner with adult friends, a hot bath every other day, a massage once in a while, a trip to the spa, a walk in the woods, a bike ride or whatever recharges your batteries, you will have a lot more to give to your kids.  If you can breathe, you can then help your kids breathe.  You are also modelling something so valuable to your kids.  You’re letting them see that 1. You value yourself and 2. You are teaching them that self-care is important.

So, before the weekend is out, I would like to see you take the time to put on your oxygen mask, so that you can then fasten your seat belt and get ready for the delicious on-board gourmet meal, spacious seating, the wonderful in-flight entertainment that is constantly interrupted by “This is your captain speaking…!” and not to forget, the turbulence.  Just hope that you don’t have to go to the bathroom!!!

To all the fathers, have a great father’s day and to all parents -“BREATHE!”

Hugs: One Size Fits All

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Ah! the power of a hug!  You know how good it feels to be on the receiving end of a hug.  It envelopes you, contains you, grounds you and makes you feel good inside.  I am referring to a loving hug from a trusted person – just to clarify!  A hug can help soothe you when you are sad or it can express support, joy, or sorrow.  It is also a great diffuser – let me show you.

Here’s the scenario: A story by Mary Wardlow taken from Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelson.

“My daughter Madisyn, who is a wonderfully strong-willed 6-year-old child, didn’t want to get up and get ready for school one morning.  Being a strong-willed individual myself I could sense a battle of wills brewing – though I was determined to avoid it.  I repeatedly asked her nicely to get up and get herself ready and I picked out her clothes so that she could move a little faster.  Still, she refused to move.  I reminded her, still nicely, that the bus would be at our house soon; and if she didn’t get dressed she was going to miss it.  She sat up and looked at her clothes and screamed, ‘I don’t want to wear that!’

     Her tone was so nasty, I found it hard to keep myself composed, but I went to her room and picked out 2 other outfits so she could choose which one she wanted to wear.  I announced, ‘I laid out 3 sets of clothes.  You need to pick one and get dressed.’  I had almost made it to the bedroom exit when she fired back ‘I WANT 4!’  I was so angry at that point, and what came next surprised both of us.

     I walked over to her and said, ‘Madisyn, I am going to pick you up, hold you, hug you and love you.  When I am done you are going to get up, choose and outfit and get dressed.’  When I picked her up and put my arms around her I felt her just melt in my arms,  Her attitude softened immediately and so did mine.  That moment was amazing to me.  A volatile situation turned warm in a few seconds – just because I chose to hug a child who was at that moment so unhuggable.”

If we look closely and think about what Madisyn wanted by her behaviour I would say that Madisyn wanted connection – her mother’s attention.  By her mother giving her a hug, she made sure that the connection that was made between the 2 of them was a positive one.

So when the going gets tough you’re just about to get going into that place that you don’t want to go, look at your child and say “I need a hug!” not “I want a hug.” If they don’t then you can say, “I need a hug. Come and get me when you’re ready.” and walk away.  Or you can do what Mary did in the story.

I’ve even  tried it with my teens and it works!  Let me know what happens when you try it.

                    PS.  Sometimes it feels a little scary – kinda like hugging a wild beast!!!

Empathy

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Empathy is the ultimate way to connect to someone.  Having empathy for someone is the ability to put yourself in their shoes.  Alfred Adler said “To see with the eyes of another, to hear with the ears of another, to feel with the heart of another,” was a definition for “social feeling” which is really another way of saying empathy.  If we can sense the world through another’s senses then we  really are tuned in and connected to that person.

In the child/parent relationship world, this means that the parent is looking beyond words and trying to understand the meaning of the words.  The child who, after school, says, “Mommy, I don’t want to play with XXX ever again,” may have had an experience which may or may not have had nothing to do with howXXX interacted with your child.  Maybe XXX got picked to do her show and tell at school and not your child, maybe XXX played with someone else as recess or maybe XXX wiggled too much on the carpet during story time and the teacher had to speak to him/her.  So how do you reply when you don’t know what lies at the root of this comment?  Well there’s always just plain “Hmmm, I see.”  This is a neutral comment that shows the child that you’ve heard, are not judging and it also does not relay any information about what YOU think may be going on for the child.  This may spark a long explanation of why XXX is in the bad books right now.  Another option is to guess at the meaning behind what the child is saying.  “It sounds like you’re not very happy with XXX right now.”  “No, I’m not Mom. You’ll never guess what XXX did!  ………..”  and of he/she goes giving you all the details. Rest assured that if you haven’t gotten it right, your child will correct you!

So now, you’ve just heard that XXX wiggled too much while sitting on the carpet and the teacher had to talk to XXX about it.  I know you would love to launch into a talk about how this is between XXX and the teacher and should not affect him/her and certainly not their relationship – but DON’T!!  Say instead, “You don’t  like it when one of your friends gets into trouble at school,” and then sit back and see where this takes you.

Okay, so this is a made up example; how is this empathy, you ask?  Well, the parent in the above example did not impose any of her adult views on what the child experienced and merely focused on the child’s view.  We adults have experiences that colour how we see things.  Let’s just say that you were excluded as a child and often had to play alone.  Well, upon hearing that your child no longer wants to play with XXX, it may bring up all the old feelings associated with your experience.  If you pay attention to the words your child has just uttered, rather than the meaning, you will more than likely react from your very “hurt child” place.

When we can see the world through our child’s eyes, we teach and model empathy. Kids are great imitators and they will imitate us.  But let’s not forget, that we can’t expect them to always be empathic little beings because children of all ages really do believe that the world revolves around them.  It’s all about baby steps, so that by the time their brains mature – at the ages of 25, these positive experiences will be integrated to be part of who they grow up to be.

It’s a long road but a worthwhile journey.

The journey is the reward. Chinese proverb


Milestones

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For our children, reaching a milestone is like stepping up one more rung onto that ladder of being grown up.  For parents, when our kids reach these milestones they are bittersweet moments.  We are glad to see our children gaining all these new skills like learning to walk, talk, use the potty, etc.  These are all steps toward independence and we encourage them every step of the way.  On the other hand, we are saddened somewhat to see that our babies are growing up.

I reveled, clapped and cheered when my kids crawled, gave up their bottles, learned to read and such.  I was their greatest supporter and fan.  It was not too hard for me to admit that they were growing when they reached these milestones.  I was enjoying each new stage of development and just when I thought that they were at the best stage possible, they moved into another one.  Then this became the best stage possible!

The milestones that I most regretted them reaching were when they no longer said “lallow” for yellow or “num-mi-na” for food.  I still long to hear “oom-ba-wa” for bottle or that male cows are “bullies”.  New words were replaced daily: “prettyful” became beautiful,  “gorilla bars” were replaced by granola bars, “buckets” were no longer male goats (bucks)  and we no longer needed to remember to renew our “remembership” to the aquarium.

Ahhh, childhood.  I goes by so quickly.  As trying as some moments are (and there are many trying moments) our children do grow up overnight.  Those moments sail by so enjoy every day.  Each day is precious as we are making “rememories!”  Go hug your kid!  I just hugged mine.

Anxiety: Part II

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The most comforting thing for kids is routine.  Routines make life predictable and this predictability is especially important for kids who experience anxiety.  Anxious kids do not like surprises.  Establish routines around bedtime and getting ready in the morning. It’s a good idea to post these where kids can see them and refer to them.  It also helps them to become more independent.  Here is a sample of what a routine chart might look like. Taking pictures of your child doing these tasks may be fun! (It didn’t format quite right but I think you get the picture.)

7:45  Get dressed

7:55  Make bed

8:05  Eat breakfast

8:30 Brush teeth

etc…….

Deep belly breathing is a skill that is never too early to learn and it helps reduce anxiety.  A younger child can take a deep breath in through his/her nose and then pretend that he/she is blowing bubbles, trying to blow the biggest bubble possible.  As the child is inhaling, he/she should focus on filling his/her belly and feel it rising.   Another way to encourage deep breathing is to have your child pretend to blow up a balloon slowly.  Older children can do “square” breathing.  They inhale into their bellies to the count of 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4 , hold for 4, and this completes one “square”.  They can do this as many times as needed.

Initially, trying to have your child do deep breathing while he/she is experiencing anxiety is not advisable.  It is something that should be practiced when the child is calm and a good time to practice this breathing is when the child is in bed.  It can be part of the bedtime routine and serves 2 purposes: to practice the breathing and it also calms the child, making it easier to fall asleep.

Anxious children often have difficulty falling asleep.  There are several books with guided meditations for children that can be done with them at bedtime.  Moonbeams: A Book of Meditations for Children by Maureen Garth is one such book that I have used.

Let me know how this works for you.

What about toilet training?

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The typical questions from parents with regards to toilet training is, “When can I expect my child to be toilet trained?”  My typical response is, “When he/she is ready.”  I know that their are parents who toilet trained their children early but the bottom line is this – children have total control of only two things: what goes into their bodies and what comes out.   There is no set time when a child SHOULD be toilet trained as each child is unique and different but I can almost guarantee that your child will be toilet trained by the time he/she goes to university!

So, how does one encourage one’s child to use the toilet rather than their diapers?Introduce a potty into your home once you think your child will be able to understand what it is for.  I used to remove my children’s diapers and ask them if they wanted to sit on the potty and read a book.  If they made a “deposit” in the potty, I would get really excited and say “Way to go, you went _____ in the potty, just like mommy and daddy go on the toilet!” They would be feeling pretty pleased with themselves after this.  If they didn’t use the potty while sitting on it, that was okay too.  I would let them get off whenever they felt that they had had enough.  I would repeat this exercise several times a day, but I never forced them to sit on the potty.  I used to ask them if they wanted to try the potty again and usually once they had one success, they always wanted more. Of course, I also got a couple of toilet training books that I would read to them as a way of teaching about toilet training. Later I graduated them to a training toilet seat and a step for them to get themselves onto the toilet.  My first child toilet trained herself just after her second birthday but was not dry at night for years. (Thank goodness for pull ups.)  My second child wasn’t toilet trained till three but was dry at night very soon after. Each was very different.  So different that my second used to take the training toilet seat and put it on backward on the toilet and do her business this way. Whatever works!